Chocolate Chip Habañero Muffins, just in case you're awesome

Chocolate and heat are great together. That is, if you're brave enough to handle a little something spicy with your chocolate. I know I am, but I also know that some people are big cowards. I'm sure that's not you. Scaredy cats like that probably bug the pants off you.

Anyway, since you and I are similarly stouthearted when it comes to our peppers, I felt like making us up a batch of something hot-chocolatey. Chocolate usually gets paired with cayenne, which is nice. But I was curious about what would happen if I tried combining it with the flavor or fresh habañero peppers instead.

So I chose this excellent double chocolate muffin from Cookie Madness, sneaked in a couple of very hot, very fresh peppers from a local farmer's market, and voila! New favorite muffin of the week.

The chocolate doesn't leave room for much of the pepper's sweetness, but fresh pepper flavor peeps through and gives the muffin a familiar-but-more-interesting-than-expected taste. Each deliciously dense and chocolatey bite is followed by a surprising lingering spiciness.

I seem to have a reputation around here for disliking spicy foods, but I don't know where that ever came from. Maybe my threshold for heat, although remarkable and something to be admired, just isn't as impressive as it could be. I'm no lily-livered spice-weenie, make no mistake, but I don't really enjoy eating anything that makes my lips sting or my nose run. So although for me, two peppers is the ideal balance, I suppose you could add a third if you wanted something a little bolder. (But not for breakfast, right? I mean... right? Take it easy out there! You just rolled out of bed and you're gonna pop twenty-five thousand scoville units* in your gob?)

On the other hand, you could use just one little pepper if you're some kind of sissy who can't handle a little heat, like for instance if you are a giant chicken posing as a man.

*I'm not actually sure that you can break down Scoville units that way, but if a pepper rates at 100,000 and you divide three of them amongst a dozen muffins, then maybe each muffin contains 100,000*3/12—aka 100,000/4, aka 25,000—units? I don't know. I would be interested in knowing if it works that way. Anybody?

Chocolate Chip Habañero Muffins

Makes 12

• 3/4 cup light brown sugar, packed
• 1/2 cup unsalted butter, melted
  
• 1 cup plain Greek yogurt
• 1 egg
• 1 1/2 tsp vanilla extract
• 2 habañero peppers
• 1 3/4 cups flour
• 1/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1 1/2 tsp baking powder
• 1 heaping cup semisweet chocolate chips (mini chips are ideal)

1. Preheat oven to 350. Grease a muffin tin.
   
2. Stir brown sugar and melted butter together in a medium size bowl. 
3. Coarsely chop the peppers and place them (seeds and all—be brave!) into a blender. Add yogurt, egg and vanilla. Puree until the pepper is thoroughly pureed and the whole mixture is well blended.
4. Combine flour, cocoa, salt and baking powder in a large mixing bowl. Add yogurt mixture to flour mixture, stirring only until blended. Too much stirring will turn your muffins into bricks.
5. Fold in chocolate chips. 
6. Spoon batter into greased muffin cups and bake 22-25 minutes.

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Cheesy garlic tomato biscuits

We haven't been grocery shopping in two weeks. It's bleak. Last night, just for a second, I could've sworn John was a delicious roasted turkey.

Obviously, we should just go to the store. (And in about half an hour, we'll leave for the farmer's market, and come back with honey, cheese, and maybe a vegetable if we see one, without any plan whatsoever for what we're going to make out of those things.We're not good at the farmer's market. But we're practicing.)

In the meantime, I took it upon myself to figure out what I could make out of the odds and ends we had in the pantry. I came up with these little biscuits. They're full of tomato, and I knew that meant John might hate them, and that could be a problem. If I'm going to have to eat the guy soon, I don't want him to be skin and bones, you know? But I took my chances.

Originally, I tried making tomato muffins. But I didn't like the muffin part. I only liked the top part. So I rearranged them into biscuits instead, sort of stuffed with cheese and tomatoes. They're savory, like you'd want to eat them with a salad. Even alone, they're very tasty.

Just how tasty, you ask?

John likes them! Hooray!

(Not that I'm going to eat him.)

Tomato Biscuits

Makes 18–24

• 4 Tbsp butter, melted
• 2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
• 3 1/2 tsp baking powder
• 1 tsp salt
• 1/2 tsp garlic powder
• Pinch of dried parsley
• 1 Tbsp grated parmesan/romano
• 3/4 cups milk
• 2 eggs
• 2 Tbsp tomato paste
• 5 T grated cheese (I used a cheddar blend)
• About 1/2 an 8 oz. can diced tomatoes, drained

1. Preheat your oven to 400°F. Lightly grease a cookie sheet.
2. In a big bowl, stir together the dry ingredients: flour, baking powder, salt and seasoning. 
3. In a smaller bowl, whisk together the milk and eggs. Add the tomato paste one tablespoon at a time and whisk it like crazy so that the egg mixture turns pink throughout, not yellow with red clumps.
4. Make a well in the center of the flour mixture. Pour in the milk mixture and the butter. Stir just until evenly moistened (and not a moment more). The batter will be very thick and sticky.
5. Drop half the batter by tablespoons onto the cookie sheet. Sprinkle some cheese on each and place a few tomato pieces on top and gently press into the batter. Cover the cheese and tomato with the rest of the batter. Sprinkle some more cheese (and parmesan) over each biscuit.
6. Bake until the biscuits are golden, dry and springy to the touch, 18 to 22 minutes. Do not overbake. Serve warm. 

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Perfect brownies, the Pentagon way

The Pentagon has released a 26-page official brownie recipe, which I recently discovered via Reason.com. (My verification of this document extends only to googling the doc number and seeing that no one has publicly debunked it. Plus, it totally looks real. So.)

The most interesting part of this document to me isn't that it exists — although that in itself is a hell of a thing — but that at the end of the day, the United States federal government's brownie and cookie standards are really not so different from my own. They're just a whole lot more specific. For instance:

3.4 Finished product requirements (brownies and oatmeal cookies). The finished product shall comply with the following requirements, as applicable:


a. There shall be no foreign material such as, but not limited to, dirt, insect parts, hair, wood, glass, or metal.


b. There shall be no foreign odor or flavor such as, but not limited to, burnt, scorched, stale, sour, rancid, musty, or moldy.

c. There shall be no color foreign to the product.

d. Chocolate coating shall completely cover the product.

e. Product shall not be broken or crushed.

f. The dimensions of the coated brownie shall not exceed 3-1/2 inches by 2-1/2 inches by 5/8 inch.

g. The weight of the coated brownie shall be not less than 46 grams.

h. The texture of the brownie shall be firm but not hard.

i.  The rectangular shaped coated oatmeal cookie shall not exceed 3-1/2 by 2-1/2 inches and shall not exceed 7/16 inch thickness.

  j.  The interior of the coated oatmeal cookie shall be crisp and have the characteristic flavor of oatmeal.

  k.  The weight of the coated oatmeal cookie shall be not less than 43 grams.

  l.  The chocolate coating shall be free from cracks, chips or rough spots. 

Here I'd have just said, "Hey, sure, I like brownies." But look at everything I would've left out!

While I disagree summarily on article f (by all means, exceed away), I think I need to start putting a finer point on my preference for treats complying with the rest of these rules. If there's one thing I can stand to learn, it's that you can't assume everyone automatically knows what you want. You'll get musty, moldy brownies with bug legs and glass chunks. Point taken, Government. Point taken.

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Cookin' Greek

Last weekend, I went to the Marietta Diner. Yes! The Marietta Diner! The one with the giant sandwiches, incredible pies, generous portions, and crazy-authentic Greek cooking! So guess what I ordered?

Two fried eggs and a bowl of fruit.

It was late, dude. I was not hungry.

Naturally, I regretted my decision immediately, and felt even more remorseful in the morning, as I thought of all the delicious spanikopita and feta-laden pitas I could've had. And pies! Oh, the pies... why didn't I at least have them wrap one up to take home with me?

So here's what I did. I went back to an magazine I remembered seeing a pork souvlaki recipe in. I hunted down instructions for tzatziki in Amy Sedaris's cookbook, I Like You. And I made those things. And I ate them. And lo, they were delicious. And I considered this my absolution.

Amy Sedaris's tzatziki is easier than the one I tried (and failed at) about four years ago. You peel, chop and salt a cucumber, press it in the fridge until all the liquid comes out, and mix it up with greek yogurt, garlic, lemon juice and dill. But I'm not going to tell you the recipe properly because it isn't mine to tell. Get the book! You'll like it.

I do at least have a link to the recipe for the souvlaki and apricots, because it's online at FoodNetwork.com. I didn't change anything. No, that's not true. I used scallions instead of shallots (they never have shallots at the grocery store by me, what's that all about man) and I skipped the pine nuts. Everything else, I did just as the recipe ordered, and it was wonderful. So, um... I guess I'm really just bragging, since I haven't got a single recipe to actually post for you.

Well, bragging and offering my advice.

Oh, here's a little more advice. In the same issue of Food Network Magazine, there's a recipe for avocado pie. I took that to be a sign that I was supposed to also make a pie to further repent for the pie I didn't have the night before.

My advice to you on this is complex, but boils down to this: Steer clear unless you (a) know what you're doing with an avocado, (b) have tried avocado pie before and know what it should be like, or (c) love desserts that taste a whole lot like a can of condensed milk. I believe avocado pie can be delicious. Mine, for which I'm pretty sure I followed the recipe to the letter, was not delicious. Take that as you will.

At any rate, between shopping, cooking, and baking, I spent a lot of my Sunday in the kitchen. It would've certainly been easier to just order what I wanted at the Diner. But after all was said and done, I ended up with a pork souvlaki recipe that's easy and delicious and that I will certainly make again, maybe sans apricots, because as delicious as they are the flavor is so tart and powerful that it seems impossible to eat one without making the tequila-shot face. Maybe they could be toned down. There, a little bonus piece of advice for you—tone down your apricots. Don't say I never gave you anything.

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